Feeling a little frustrated

Getting things done in Kinglake are not easy at the moment. Ive been trying to get my burnt block on the go and get obstacles put in my way left right and centre.
Got a guy out to look at my fire damaged tank to do some patching work on the concrete and put a new roof on. The concrete fix job is only $800 - ok I can live with that. But he quoted $4000 for a new roof! What the? I know it will only take about 8 sheets of colourbond which would be about $1000 tops. Apparently they only do these weird dome roofs "Cause they look better." Hmm not at $4K mate. So Im back to looking for someone to dynabolt a few sheets down. Hard to get tradies at the moment as there is so much rebuilding. I have been spending time with my ex (long story) and he as offered to do it but won't take money and I hate the guilt associated with all that!!
The other challenge is that my block is covered in cut down trees from way back when I had it cleared. Being a single mum who has no idea of one end of a chainsaw to another, I put my name down with a volunteer organisation who would organise a work team. Lovely. Except I have been waiting since last July and have heard they have been busy being put to work clearing blackberries on a lady's property that didn't even burn. Not sure how people like that sleep at night. Im not the type to kick a fuss and so have been pushed to the bottom of the heap. Alot of what has gone on after the fires seems to be not whether you are needy but who you know, or how much of a fuss you are prepared to make. Yes Im being whiney but doesn't seem quite right. Alot of the material aid I received after had nothing to do with me being in need but what a friend of a friend told me was available. Then there is all the associated guilt associated with talking handouts which is the subject for a whole other blog.
I try not to get frustrated but its hard when I lost everything but I see people who lost nothing, still had their houses and cars etc, but are driving around in brand new donated cars. I was told they were all gone by the time I enquired. Very frustrating. A bit like bumping into people at the refuge centres after the fires who I know lost nothing but were filling up their trolleys with new clothes etc. This thing bought out the very best and very worst in people.

Our new addition to the family

I did forget to share our little bit of good news. We have bought a new pony to replace our darling Star who was lost in the fires. He is a 4 month old miniature horse called 'Silver Comet' (beanie bear to the kids) and he is tiny! not much bigger than our staffy and won't grow much over 30 inches. He comes home next week and the kids are VERY excited. I will post a photo here for you all to goo and gaa at.

Anniversary Time

I have been very slack updating this blog but todays the day. I am finding this week very difficult given that this weekend is the first anniversary of Black Sat. Have found myself questioning alot about my life and the meaning of life in general. I have had so much going on with my relationship falling in a heap - the cost of building blowing out - and the usual money stresses that come with finding out my daughter needs $10K worth of orthodontic work.
I keep coming back to trying to make sense of why so many people can just be obliterated off the face of the earth in one 'normal' Saturday afternoon. How can I get my head around people I know, Mum's Dads and kids - tiny kids some of them - burning to death in their own homes while I sit here worrying about normal things.
I can't focus at work, feel on the verge of panic half the time, am questioning my friendships etc etc. Am finding it hard to stay positive this week as its all a little overwhelming.
The kids want to go to the community memorial on Sunday and I am not sure I'm up to it. Knowing the media will be all over it won't help. Its hard seeing the ads on tv - bit like a year ago I had a car crash where I almost died and someone taped all the gory details and keeps playing it over and over.
I guess this is all part of the process but I will be glad when the weekend is over and life can continue.
As always I have been glad of my children the last few weeks. I hit an all time low and just wanted the world to stop - where is that nearest bridge? - but it all comes back to them and thank goodness for that.
I am trying to work things out with my partner - we have been through so much and been pulled in every direction - but I can't imagine my future without him. Lots of family counselling awaits us but I so want it to work. Only time will tell. He is high maintenance and will probably always drive me crazy but maybe thats part of the attraction.
Ok - didn't mean this post to be so deep and depressing but needed to vent - to stomp my feet a little - to say its not fair - and then of course I suck it up and move forward as I amazonian women always do. xx
Go home tonight and kiss your kids and your partner that drives you nuts because tomorrow is an unknown, and now is the only thing that is real.