Feeling a little frustrated

Getting things done in Kinglake are not easy at the moment. Ive been trying to get my burnt block on the go and get obstacles put in my way left right and centre.
Got a guy out to look at my fire damaged tank to do some patching work on the concrete and put a new roof on. The concrete fix job is only $800 - ok I can live with that. But he quoted $4000 for a new roof! What the? I know it will only take about 8 sheets of colourbond which would be about $1000 tops. Apparently they only do these weird dome roofs "Cause they look better." Hmm not at $4K mate. So Im back to looking for someone to dynabolt a few sheets down. Hard to get tradies at the moment as there is so much rebuilding. I have been spending time with my ex (long story) and he as offered to do it but won't take money and I hate the guilt associated with all that!!
The other challenge is that my block is covered in cut down trees from way back when I had it cleared. Being a single mum who has no idea of one end of a chainsaw to another, I put my name down with a volunteer organisation who would organise a work team. Lovely. Except I have been waiting since last July and have heard they have been busy being put to work clearing blackberries on a lady's property that didn't even burn. Not sure how people like that sleep at night. Im not the type to kick a fuss and so have been pushed to the bottom of the heap. Alot of what has gone on after the fires seems to be not whether you are needy but who you know, or how much of a fuss you are prepared to make. Yes Im being whiney but doesn't seem quite right. Alot of the material aid I received after had nothing to do with me being in need but what a friend of a friend told me was available. Then there is all the associated guilt associated with talking handouts which is the subject for a whole other blog.
I try not to get frustrated but its hard when I lost everything but I see people who lost nothing, still had their houses and cars etc, but are driving around in brand new donated cars. I was told they were all gone by the time I enquired. Very frustrating. A bit like bumping into people at the refuge centres after the fires who I know lost nothing but were filling up their trolleys with new clothes etc. This thing bought out the very best and very worst in people.

Our new addition to the family

I did forget to share our little bit of good news. We have bought a new pony to replace our darling Star who was lost in the fires. He is a 4 month old miniature horse called 'Silver Comet' (beanie bear to the kids) and he is tiny! not much bigger than our staffy and won't grow much over 30 inches. He comes home next week and the kids are VERY excited. I will post a photo here for you all to goo and gaa at.

Anniversary Time

I have been very slack updating this blog but todays the day. I am finding this week very difficult given that this weekend is the first anniversary of Black Sat. Have found myself questioning alot about my life and the meaning of life in general. I have had so much going on with my relationship falling in a heap - the cost of building blowing out - and the usual money stresses that come with finding out my daughter needs $10K worth of orthodontic work.
I keep coming back to trying to make sense of why so many people can just be obliterated off the face of the earth in one 'normal' Saturday afternoon. How can I get my head around people I know, Mum's Dads and kids - tiny kids some of them - burning to death in their own homes while I sit here worrying about normal things.
I can't focus at work, feel on the verge of panic half the time, am questioning my friendships etc etc. Am finding it hard to stay positive this week as its all a little overwhelming.
The kids want to go to the community memorial on Sunday and I am not sure I'm up to it. Knowing the media will be all over it won't help. Its hard seeing the ads on tv - bit like a year ago I had a car crash where I almost died and someone taped all the gory details and keeps playing it over and over.
I guess this is all part of the process but I will be glad when the weekend is over and life can continue.
As always I have been glad of my children the last few weeks. I hit an all time low and just wanted the world to stop - where is that nearest bridge? - but it all comes back to them and thank goodness for that.
I am trying to work things out with my partner - we have been through so much and been pulled in every direction - but I can't imagine my future without him. Lots of family counselling awaits us but I so want it to work. Only time will tell. He is high maintenance and will probably always drive me crazy but maybe thats part of the attraction.
Ok - didn't mean this post to be so deep and depressing but needed to vent - to stomp my feet a little - to say its not fair - and then of course I suck it up and move forward as I amazonian women always do. xx
Go home tonight and kiss your kids and your partner that drives you nuts because tomorrow is an unknown, and now is the only thing that is real.

Another funny Christmas story

Oh forgot to share - picked up our 'Xmas pack' from the lovely Salvo's last night. It had a Xmas tree, some decorations and xmas paper. When the kids went to bed I put up the tree. Looked in the box for the rest of it then realised the little stick was it. Turns out it was a funny little caravan sized tree. I had a little laugh as it was so tiny but then realised lots of people are in caravans this year so it would be perfect for them. I thought I must go out and get the kids a proper one but when they got up this morning they said, "it'll do mum - its cute' so for this year at least we are having a mini bushfire size tree. the kids are so awesome with accepting whatever comes their way and make me remember what is really important - that we are all together and everything else is just trimmings. God I do love them so much I want to burst.

why do men do this?

Have just broken up with my partner - must be xmas - and he has come back saying I will change and I love you. But in the same breath bags me out about the bad financial decision he thinks I made by buying a block to build on and that if he and I are to have a future I need to do something about the dust and cat hair in my house and discipline my kids better. What the?? Isnt love about accepting the other person and supporting them? And how can you bag someone and in the same breath say you love them? I don't understand how blokes minds work. This year many families in Kinglake are facing a Christmas without loved ones at the table and he is on at me about cat hair. hmmm.

Christmas Madness

I think everyone in Kinglake is going a little nuts. Over the past few days I have seen a burnt out stick of a tree all dressed up in tinsel. Heck, that was about the only upright thing on that block. And this morning someone has decorated their shipping container up in tinsel! Everyone has these monoliths on their burnt out blocks at the moment but that is the first Christmas one I have spotted. I think everyone is trying whatever they can do have a 'normal' Christmas but it does make me laugh. Is going to be a hard one for those with empty chairs at the lunch table.

Have not put our own tree up yet as dont bloody have any decorations left! Think some donated ones are coming next week which is lovely. I did have a laugh when i went to wardrobe to get them all and realised they were in the old house. doh. strange feeling. so many things i forgot i lost.

I said to someone once, 'I don't want to be know as 'that girl from Kinglake' but then I thought, 'Hey, thats kinda who I am!' so here I am embracing that fact and starting a blog about my journey up till now.

2009 has been a very INTERESTING year for me. Started out as another challenging year as a single mum, living in the country and bringing up my 3 kids totally solo. The usual problems of a difficult ex, no money, and a constant variety of issues put in my way.

Then came along Feb 7. Hmm. What can I say. That day's events will be the subject of another blog but the eventual outcome was we ended up driving for our lives and within a few hours lost our home, our car, the pony and chooks, and every possession we owned. On top of this hundred of homes in our town were gone and many of our neighbours, entire families Mum, Dad and kids, dead. The stories I have heard about that day will haunt me forever.

However, life does go on and we have accomplised so much already. We are now living back 'on the mountain' and have once again collected a whole house of possessions and are planning our future in this community. Through the generosity of the Bushfire Appeal and some careful planning I have now bought my own block of land (albeit very burnt out) and am now looking at building a permanent home for my little family. 2010 is going to be big.